Hello, everyone. Thank you for reading!
So I am really starting to believe that it is pointless... Like, it is above my reach, out of my control.... Because even when I do a good job, I am still punished!
Over the past weekend, I went shopping to buy jeans for the every-growing child. Sidebar - how much do I hate buying new school clothes midway through the school year? Lots!! And my child is a slow grower... how do the fast growers parents do it?? You must be shopping monthly!!
And so, it was busy on the weekend...the stores were crowded, and the ditzy. Actually, I am being kind... She was beyond ditzy... she was slow, she was rude, she wasn't trying to help at all and she seemed to go out of her way to so throw barriers in the way of my spending money in the store... To the point where I actually got sooooo exasperated that I shouted, "Why are you making it so hard for me to spend my money in here?"
It was at that point the manager came over.... It was, however, too late. She had already over charged my DEBIT card by $321.00! It was just awful. A hot, loud, crowded mess of just awful.
They promised me that the transaction had been voided. It wouldn't impact my account at all, they assured me. I wouldn't even see a thing. That's what they said, yes, those folks who wanted nothing more than to see me leave their store. And you can guess where this is headed.... The charge did freeze my account. And if you know me at all, you know that I generally do not have a lot of extra cash in my account, and 321 frozen in my account could be disastrous. And it was. That freeze caused 8 other items to overdraw, and each time, I was charged 36 dollars. By close of business yesterday, as I watched it all snowball before my eyes, my account was overdrawn to the tune of negative 900.... Yup... and see, the thing is.... this time, it was legitimately not my fault! I was being very careful, very very cautiously only spending money when I had to, and using coupons and everything!
Finally, after days of fighting with both the bank and the store, I ultimately was placed back to a state of normal. My account is not overdrawn anymore... But it did really stress me out... And for those days, I wasn't sure if or when I would get how much of my money back.... Which leads me back to my original thought... Am I fated to being eternally frustrated by money issues? No matter how hard I try, I feel like Sisyphus, forever rolling that giant boulder uphill only to watch it roll back down for all of eternity... I then start to wonder, even tough the gods placed Sisyphus in that position as punishment, what if.... what if Sisyphus was happy? Camus thought he must be, because he must have accepted his fate. He had purpose, he understood it.... I know, it's all absurd. I am not Sisyphus, no god placed me in this spot as punishment... I have done it all myself... Still, the week I had makes me question all of it...
What do you think? Are we just who we are?? Was my ability to control my finances just an illusion?
More to come... Thank you so much for reading and sharing! xo
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Monday, January 19, 2015
At least I am not alone!!
Hello, all....
So, I saw an old friend over the weekend... we were talking about life and all of it's ups and downs... and we naturally got on the subject of work and money. She said to me, "Dawn, I just hate it when I can't spend money. I feel like I am being punished! I hate that feeling, why is that?" All I could do is say, "OMG, ME TOO!"
We were both dumbfounded, yet found comfort in knowing that we are not alone. So I wonder....is this feeling more common than I realize? The solution to my friend is to get a second job with a high earning potential so that she can continue to spend as she likes. And I love her, but boy she is a spender... I mean, I know I am a spender... but my big splurge is likely to be a new MK or Coach bag for 100 at the outlet... Her big splurge? Last year it was a motor bike for her son and a 4 wheel AV thingy for her daughter..... Spontaneous, on a whim, thousands dropped on 2 huge things that have been used 2 or 3 times at the most... But I digress.
So let me ask you - how does spending make you feel? Happy, exhilarated? Or mad at yourself? Or others? I feel like there is a whole rainbow of emotions tied to this. I would imagine some feel even ashamed if they are spending more than they should, even if this is an imagined "should". I know certain people who honestly feel like it is bad to spend things on themselves, like that act in itself is something to be punished.
I have to go to pop psychology on this to ponder questions like, "How do we "use" shopping", "What motivates us to shop", or "what motivates us to not shop". Freud said that we as humans are drawn to shiny things. I guess I relate more closely to my cats than I ever realized. In psychological terms, this is the appeal of luminosity, which I totally get.... This is why I avoid craft shows where homemade jewelry could bankrupt me.
Then of course, we have emotional spending. We have compulsive spending. And we also have idiosyncratic spending, which is also referred to as "soul spending", spending money on those things that fill a void in our souls... But can a person do all 3 at the same time? And are there more terms for this? The questions can go on and on.
In the meantime, I am failing miserably at not spending. First it was Xmas, then it was a big birthday event.... what excuse will befall me next month?
I try...and I thank you all so much for when you continue to remind me that "No, it is not OK to drive up to NJ to see a Barry Manilow concert!!!" lol....
So I leave you with this question.... is it normal to want?
Thank you!! xo
So, I saw an old friend over the weekend... we were talking about life and all of it's ups and downs... and we naturally got on the subject of work and money. She said to me, "Dawn, I just hate it when I can't spend money. I feel like I am being punished! I hate that feeling, why is that?" All I could do is say, "OMG, ME TOO!"
We were both dumbfounded, yet found comfort in knowing that we are not alone. So I wonder....is this feeling more common than I realize? The solution to my friend is to get a second job with a high earning potential so that she can continue to spend as she likes. And I love her, but boy she is a spender... I mean, I know I am a spender... but my big splurge is likely to be a new MK or Coach bag for 100 at the outlet... Her big splurge? Last year it was a motor bike for her son and a 4 wheel AV thingy for her daughter..... Spontaneous, on a whim, thousands dropped on 2 huge things that have been used 2 or 3 times at the most... But I digress.
So let me ask you - how does spending make you feel? Happy, exhilarated? Or mad at yourself? Or others? I feel like there is a whole rainbow of emotions tied to this. I would imagine some feel even ashamed if they are spending more than they should, even if this is an imagined "should". I know certain people who honestly feel like it is bad to spend things on themselves, like that act in itself is something to be punished.
I have to go to pop psychology on this to ponder questions like, "How do we "use" shopping", "What motivates us to shop", or "what motivates us to not shop". Freud said that we as humans are drawn to shiny things. I guess I relate more closely to my cats than I ever realized. In psychological terms, this is the appeal of luminosity, which I totally get.... This is why I avoid craft shows where homemade jewelry could bankrupt me.
Then of course, we have emotional spending. We have compulsive spending. And we also have idiosyncratic spending, which is also referred to as "soul spending", spending money on those things that fill a void in our souls... But can a person do all 3 at the same time? And are there more terms for this? The questions can go on and on.
In the meantime, I am failing miserably at not spending. First it was Xmas, then it was a big birthday event.... what excuse will befall me next month?
I try...and I thank you all so much for when you continue to remind me that "No, it is not OK to drive up to NJ to see a Barry Manilow concert!!!" lol....
So I leave you with this question.... is it normal to want?
Thank you!! xo
Friday, January 9, 2015
Looking forward, not behind me
Hello, all, and thank you for reading!
As you know, I fell off the wagon, and I fell hard. Christmas time was very challenging for me, and well, I hope that I learned some lessons from it. The good news is that since that time, I haven't spent other than food and basics. The one expenditure that was pure fun was Seaworld - and since I am an annual pass holder, the expense wasn't the admission, but rather lunch.
So my goal is to continue to work on myself, to catch up on all my bills, and to ensure that I never ever ever overdraw my bank account again. Since Christmas, I have been very diligent, but I haven't been tracking my expenses. I haven't even been looking at my checking account. Why? Because I am afraid. I am afraid to see that balance, or that flashing message that indicates low balance. I am afraid of the next few days having to be all about scrimping and "getting through it". I try to tell myself that I deserve better, that I deserve to breathe. I know this, but somehow, the old traits just keep coming through.
The best approach is to avoid all chances to spend, such as going to the mall, amusement parks, etc. But I can't do that entirely. I will have to learn to be more balanced. Kind of like living on a diet all the time.
But I ask you - where is the fun in that? Can you imagine spending your entire life on a diet? That is just misery! Even when I try to find an in-between, the in-between feels like torture, like a punishment. Why is that? Why does being good and smart always feel so just flat out awful?? Do you ever feel that way? I do, and it sucks. And I have to imagine though, that being well managed and well maintained in terms of money feels really good. Yet I can't seem to let go of these things that cause me pain...
What do you think??
Oh, well... thank you for reading, and more to come! xo
As you know, I fell off the wagon, and I fell hard. Christmas time was very challenging for me, and well, I hope that I learned some lessons from it. The good news is that since that time, I haven't spent other than food and basics. The one expenditure that was pure fun was Seaworld - and since I am an annual pass holder, the expense wasn't the admission, but rather lunch.
So my goal is to continue to work on myself, to catch up on all my bills, and to ensure that I never ever ever overdraw my bank account again. Since Christmas, I have been very diligent, but I haven't been tracking my expenses. I haven't even been looking at my checking account. Why? Because I am afraid. I am afraid to see that balance, or that flashing message that indicates low balance. I am afraid of the next few days having to be all about scrimping and "getting through it". I try to tell myself that I deserve better, that I deserve to breathe. I know this, but somehow, the old traits just keep coming through.
The best approach is to avoid all chances to spend, such as going to the mall, amusement parks, etc. But I can't do that entirely. I will have to learn to be more balanced. Kind of like living on a diet all the time.
But I ask you - where is the fun in that? Can you imagine spending your entire life on a diet? That is just misery! Even when I try to find an in-between, the in-between feels like torture, like a punishment. Why is that? Why does being good and smart always feel so just flat out awful?? Do you ever feel that way? I do, and it sucks. And I have to imagine though, that being well managed and well maintained in terms of money feels really good. Yet I can't seem to let go of these things that cause me pain...
What do you think??
Oh, well... thank you for reading, and more to come! xo
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