Sometimes, I just cannot believe it...

Hello, all.  And thank you so much for reading...

I don't know if you struggle with money issues the way I do... I certainly hope not the way I do, lol, and I imagine everyone struggles to some extent. 

The other day, I was unable to order new glasses for Julia and for me, because well, I didn't have 550 spare dollars laying around, nor do I have credit.  And I said to the guy at the drs office, "I need to go to rehab.... like real rehab....but for money"... and he laughed and I laughed.  But there was a glimmer of truth in there, and it is the essence of what this blogging has been about for me in part.  The writing has been for sharing, for bearing my truths, for entertaining, and for learning about myself and why I do what I do.  Sometimes, I learn very important lessons.  While doing my 30 day no-spend, I learned about how carefree I had been with money, and put the brakes on some foolish behaviors.  However, sometimes, those foolish behaviors?  Well, I kinda love them!

I love them too much.  And here is where the therapy comes in, lol... Why?  Because why do I enjoy that purchase so much?  And why, more importantly, why do I not really seem to be learning from my mistakes?  I mean, maybe I am.  I have become more aware, more cautious, and I have totally stopped myself from some pretty stupid purchases.  I have been good and mindful in many ways.  And then, BAM, I mess up.  And I mess up big.  This last week, it wasn't anything at all to do with random purchasing, not at all.  It was about paying bills and forgetting about those things on auto payment.  Those little things that come out every month, same time, same amount and that are in my budget plan.... But still, when I go to pay other bills, I pay them and assume my current balance is my actual spendable balance.  I know this is the mistake, I know I do it, I try to prepare to avoid making it.... and yes, last week I did it and of course, overdrew my account.  Big time.  It was yet another painful way to learn a lesson.  

Therein lies the problem... the lesson.  Was it really learned?  Or was it merely observed?  Can I/Have I/Will I really be able to live the lesson?  How do I do the things that I know to do, yet somehow, something prevents me from doing it?  It is not that I do not want to, and it is not that I do not read the budget and make every attempt that I can think of at that moment to stick to it.  But still, something goes wrong.  Something goes wrong.... Sometimes I just forget one of the payments, sometimes it's a math error.  Sometimes, I don't even know how to label the mistake...It has no name and it just feels like fate.  

And so that is all for now... I just continue to ponder why I keep making these mistakes, even though I am sure to most of you they are easy and simple corrections to make.  And I continue to try, to learn, to work, to contemplate.... I hope it starts to help... soon, lol....

Thank you for reading!  xo

I heart you...

Ah, Valentine’s Day…  Valentine’s Day basically equals a day of spending money… Cheesy, but thoughtfully purchased and given, gifts, cards, chocolates and flowers… A sweet day for many, a day of torment for many… And a day that I would just as soon skip…   Not for any specific reason, like a platform against the day.  No, it’s just another day to me.  Perhaps I am just getting old, I dunno.  But the truth is, I would be ok with just skipping the whole rigmarole…

But I won’t, because it means things to those around me.  So I will happily go and find just the right gifts, just the right thoughtful little something.  Had I been better prepared, I would have certainly done this all already, lol… But you know me… :-) 

However, beyond this day, spending money just always seems to be there, this threat, just hovering.  The only way to be safe from it is to never leave your home.  Once you get in that car, you have first, gas… Then wherever it is you are going, it is likely going to cost you something, maybe the price of admission… maybe it’s the birthday gift you need to get for that party – which of course, means wrapping paper and cards… And god forbid you happen to be shopping at a Target for those things.  I challenge you to go into a Target for just one thing and come out with just that one thing!  It is impossible, because you see all the things you need and you say, “Oh, I should pick this up since I’m out”.   Plus there is a whole psychology around the correct marketing of the little extras that you just need to pick up.   

So then the answer must be to just stay home, right?  But even at home,  you have threats like shopping channels and the millions of internet sites that are just begging for your perusal.   Threats, threats, threats… So we must remain vigilant!   We must be on guard.  At least, I must be on guard.  This is my new way of being, trying so hard to avoid all of the trappings, all of the options… It is a challenge, but I try every day.  I need things, so I have to go out into the world.  But now, I am at least mindful of the difference between necessary and fun…. And it’s hard, because I almost always want the fun and the extras!

I continue to try.  But since I also continue to “want”, there shall remain an internal battle for some time….  Anyway, thank you for reading, and enjoy your Valentine’s Day!  Xo